I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
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I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
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if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
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