I'm lost and stupid without you.
honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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