why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
