Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
