I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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