I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
