I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
