There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
