I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Please, let me fuck your mom
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
We just shotgunned beers for America
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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