What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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