meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
