so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
