If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
