i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
