Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
