i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
