Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Randomize
