So drunk its hurt
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
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No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
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I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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