I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
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I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
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Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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