why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
