I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
