I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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