my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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