Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
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