in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
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