Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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