You're earring is so big in my mouth
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
