Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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