i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Randomize
