i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
