Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
you told grandpa to call you daddy
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
