i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Randomize
