there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
dude im at a party with a bunch of 17 year old gilrs this is awesome
no its not leave
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
