so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Randomize