that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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