I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
