I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
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