I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
