highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Randomize
