You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
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