We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
