Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I have a rage boner right now. An actual erection brought on by the amount of sheer hatred I have towards nationwide.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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