He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
