My sheets look like a crime scene.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
