i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize
