Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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