do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
