i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
