I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
