Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
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