chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
i can't help myself.. i am just so in love with the kitchen manager.
...he was wearing JNCO shorts.. i'm pretty sure i saw the dragon.
I looked at my own cervix.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize