I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
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We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
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fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
last night I used snow as a chaser
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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