Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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