Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
