I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
