just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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