I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
